1 00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,970 ♪♪ 2 00:00:14,970 --> 00:00:19,095 Whazzup! 3 00:00:19,095 --> 00:00:20,553 Guess who? 4 00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:22,261 No, it's so good to hear your voice. 5 00:00:22,261 --> 00:00:23,804 I miss you so much. 6 00:00:23,804 --> 00:00:25,387 You're the worst. 7 00:00:25,387 --> 00:00:28,136 You are honestly the worst person I know. 8 00:00:28,136 --> 00:00:29,887 Except for her wife to be, I know. 9 00:00:29,887 --> 00:00:31,553 She is the worst. But you're the be-- 10 00:00:35,637 --> 00:00:38,345 I'm going to kill myself in 180 days 11 00:00:38,345 --> 00:00:40,804 if things don't get better. 12 00:00:40,804 --> 00:00:44,053 I think it will hurt some people, 13 00:00:44,053 --> 00:00:46,970 but in a way I'm doing them a huge service. 14 00:00:46,970 --> 00:00:49,512 I'm giving them a gift. 15 00:00:49,512 --> 00:00:52,136 I mean, I'm 45. 16 00:00:52,136 --> 00:00:54,261 I'm fat. 17 00:00:54,261 --> 00:00:57,011 I'm this queer dyke who has done shit in her life. 18 00:00:57,011 --> 00:01:00,136 And that is my identity? 19 00:01:00,136 --> 00:01:02,261 It's like, I'm trying to be a feminist 20 00:01:02,261 --> 00:01:04,970 and I have this, like, princess, like, prince fantasy. 21 00:01:04,970 --> 00:01:08,762 Like, not necessarily a man prince, 22 00:01:08,762 --> 00:01:13,095 but I'm a struggling damsel in fucking distress. 23 00:01:14,679 --> 00:01:16,095 This bitch at work 24 00:01:16,095 --> 00:01:19,053 knows I've been fluctuating weight-wise, 25 00:01:19,053 --> 00:01:20,512 so she's like, 26 00:01:20,512 --> 00:01:25,178 "Oh, I went to Costco and got you almonds." 27 00:01:26,845 --> 00:01:28,387 Fucking bitch. 28 00:01:28,387 --> 00:01:31,387 So I laid out 180 almonds, 29 00:01:31,387 --> 00:01:35,095 and every day I'm going to just go throw one away. 30 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,303 And then at the end if I have one last almond, 31 00:01:37,303 --> 00:01:41,053 if there's one almond left and I don't feel any better, 32 00:01:41,053 --> 00:01:42,845 I'm done, I'm out, 33 00:01:42,845 --> 00:01:44,345 because I'm sick of it. 34 00:01:44,345 --> 00:01:45,720 I'm sick of struggling. 35 00:01:48,470 --> 00:01:50,178 And in my note, I'm going to tell that woman 36 00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:54,470 the almonds were what pushed me over the edge. 37 00:01:54,470 --> 00:01:59,303 I'm surrounded by people who are, like, full selves. 38 00:01:59,303 --> 00:02:02,220 And I'm, like... 39 00:02:02,220 --> 00:02:05,845 this building that's been delayed. 40 00:02:05,845 --> 00:02:07,136 I'm that building. 41 00:02:07,136 --> 00:02:08,637 Shitty. 42 00:02:10,178 --> 00:02:13,470 Thing with, like, unfinished beams 43 00:02:13,470 --> 00:02:17,220 that is, like, hard on the buildings around it, 44 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,762 like, and the people. 45 00:02:18,762 --> 00:02:21,261 That eyesore, you know? Like, it's... 46 00:02:21,261 --> 00:02:23,512 And all of this-- that has to change. 47 00:02:23,512 --> 00:02:25,345 I need to become a building. 48 00:02:27,887 --> 00:02:29,303 You know what I mean? 49 00:02:40,679 --> 00:02:43,512 Dr. Frank--? Dr. Franklin? 50 00:02:49,553 --> 00:02:51,136 [gasps] 51 00:02:55,970 --> 00:02:58,970 Are you fucking kidding me? 52 00:02:59,887 --> 00:03:01,512 [Abby screams] 53 00:03:01,512 --> 00:03:03,553 [Abby] Fuck this! 54 00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:07,261 What did you do? 55 00:03:07,261 --> 00:03:10,220 Well, I mean, I checked her pulse. 56 00:03:11,553 --> 00:03:13,845 I don't really know how to do that. 57 00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,220 Like, back in seventh grade when we learned how to do that, 58 00:03:16,220 --> 00:03:19,679 they told us that we had to say the number out loud. 59 00:03:19,679 --> 00:03:22,053 But I always lied, because I had a higher pulse 60 00:03:22,053 --> 00:03:24,303 than all the other kids, because I was fat. 61 00:03:24,303 --> 00:03:26,387 But there was this super-fat kid named Kurt, 62 00:03:26,387 --> 00:03:28,011 and he would always tell the truth, 63 00:03:28,011 --> 00:03:29,512 and the whole class would laugh at him. 64 00:03:29,512 --> 00:03:31,387 And he thought that he was in on the joke, 65 00:03:31,387 --> 00:03:33,637 but they were laughing at him, not with him, you know? 66 00:03:33,637 --> 00:03:35,053 -And it was just-- -More coffee? 67 00:03:35,053 --> 00:03:36,845 Oh, actually, we're all set. 68 00:03:36,845 --> 00:03:38,720 Just the check. I have to get to soccer practice. 69 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:39,887 [Chris] Oh, you play soccer? 70 00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:43,345 No. My kids do. 71 00:03:43,345 --> 00:03:45,136 Yeah, I figured. 72 00:03:45,136 --> 00:03:47,720 Aly, it was a joke. 73 00:03:49,261 --> 00:03:51,303 I'll be right back with the check. 74 00:03:51,303 --> 00:03:52,428 Thank you. 75 00:03:54,261 --> 00:03:56,011 She is so gorgeous. 76 00:03:56,011 --> 00:03:57,345 I mean... 77 00:03:57,345 --> 00:03:59,220 -Really? -Yeah. 78 00:03:59,220 --> 00:04:01,261 Go ask her out. 79 00:04:01,261 --> 00:04:04,929 I killed my therapist today, Al. I'm not going to ask her out. 80 00:04:04,929 --> 00:04:06,178 Besides, I'm fat today, you know? 81 00:04:06,178 --> 00:04:07,679 Today? 82 00:04:07,679 --> 00:04:09,261 You know when you say stuff like that... 83 00:04:09,261 --> 00:04:11,178 I didn't mean it like that. 84 00:04:11,178 --> 00:04:12,887 I just meant, why is today different than any other? 85 00:04:12,887 --> 00:04:15,428 I just feel it, you know? 86 00:04:15,428 --> 00:04:16,679 And also, 87 00:04:16,679 --> 00:04:19,136 you did not kill your therapist. 88 00:04:19,136 --> 00:04:21,845 No, I did. I-I killed her. 89 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:26,970 I just told her that I had given myself 180 days to get happier, 90 00:04:26,970 --> 00:04:28,303 or else I was going to end it. 91 00:04:28,303 --> 00:04:29,637 And then she dies. 92 00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,095 What? 93 00:04:31,095 --> 00:04:32,637 What-what? 94 00:04:32,637 --> 00:04:34,679 You're suicidal? 95 00:04:34,679 --> 00:04:36,428 -I told you that. -No, you didn't. 96 00:04:36,428 --> 00:04:38,553 -Yeah, you know, I did. -I'm pretty sure you didn't. 97 00:04:38,553 --> 00:04:41,303 -Um, I'm pretty sure I did. -Jesus, Abby. 98 00:04:41,303 --> 00:04:42,762 I don't know why you get mad at me when I-- 99 00:04:42,762 --> 00:04:44,512 Because, okay... 100 00:04:44,512 --> 00:04:46,303 -What--What are we going to do? -Okay, you know what? 101 00:04:46,303 --> 00:04:48,136 Actually, this is a problem you can't fix, 102 00:04:48,136 --> 00:04:50,136 so just don't even try, okay? 103 00:04:50,136 --> 00:04:52,011 -Well, you have to tell someone. -Well, I did. 104 00:04:52,011 --> 00:04:53,220 Well, she was dead. 105 00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:55,637 I was talking about you. 106 00:04:55,637 --> 00:04:58,011 Anyways, I--you know, I've started to make some changes. 107 00:04:58,011 --> 00:04:59,470 How? 108 00:04:59,470 --> 00:05:01,679 For starters, I'm going to need a new therapist. 109 00:05:01,679 --> 00:05:03,303 -[mutters] -Here's your check. 110 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,929 -Oh, thank you. -You're gonna want to hurry 111 00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:06,595 so you can get to soccer practice. 112 00:05:06,595 --> 00:05:07,637 Right. 113 00:05:07,637 --> 00:05:09,011 [laughs] 114 00:05:09,011 --> 00:05:11,053 Aly. Yes, that was a good one. 115 00:05:11,053 --> 00:05:14,345 -Have a nice day. -Thank you. 116 00:05:14,345 --> 00:05:17,303 Okay, I'm fat, and she's hitting on my skinny straight sister. 117 00:05:17,303 --> 00:05:19,011 Oh, my God. That is so not true. 118 00:05:19,011 --> 00:05:20,762 Get your stuff. I got to go. 119 00:05:20,762 --> 00:05:22,512 Hey, guys, you know my sister, Aly? 120 00:05:22,512 --> 00:05:23,970 Married, two kids? 121 00:05:23,970 --> 00:05:25,095 Fucking dyke magnet. 122 00:05:25,095 --> 00:05:27,428 It, like, happens all the time. 123 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,053 -It's ridiculous. -You know what? 124 00:05:29,053 --> 00:05:30,845 Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself. 125 00:05:30,845 --> 00:05:33,679 You know what? You just said to start talking about it, okay? 126 00:05:33,679 --> 00:05:34,762 And that's what I'm trying to do. 127 00:05:34,762 --> 00:05:35,804 Almonds-- 128 00:05:35,804 --> 00:05:37,595 Lighten up with the almonds, okay? 129 00:05:37,595 --> 00:05:39,220 We don't have time for that. You're going to be fine. 130 00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:40,553 -Fine? -Yes! 131 00:05:40,553 --> 00:05:43,178 That is so easy for you to say, Aly. 132 00:05:43,178 --> 00:05:45,553 You have everything all worked out, and inside, 133 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:47,804 the hottest fucking baby dyke on the face of the planet 134 00:05:47,804 --> 00:05:49,637 -is throwing herself at you. -Oh, my God. 135 00:05:49,637 --> 00:05:51,095 You know what? You're delusional. 136 00:05:51,095 --> 00:05:52,720 I am not delusional, okay? 137 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,845 I am pathetic. That's... 138 00:05:56,970 --> 00:05:58,553 Okay. 139 00:06:00,387 --> 00:06:01,512 Hey... 140 00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:04,720 [sighs] 141 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,553 -Hi. -Hi. 142 00:06:14,553 --> 00:06:16,428 Were you hitting on me or were you hitting on my sister? 143 00:06:16,428 --> 00:06:17,720 I wasn't hitting on anybody. 144 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,220 Oh. Good. Thank you. 145 00:06:20,220 --> 00:06:21,929 But you know what? 146 00:06:21,929 --> 00:06:23,887 If you were going to hit on someone, who would it be? 147 00:06:23,887 --> 00:06:25,303 -Not you. -Right, because I'm straight. 148 00:06:25,303 --> 00:06:27,053 And you seem kind of mean. 149 00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,261 [Alison] What? Really? 150 00:06:29,261 --> 00:06:31,178 I'm just in a hurry. 151 00:06:31,178 --> 00:06:32,887 Okay. 152 00:06:32,887 --> 00:06:34,595 Oh, my God, I'm mean when I'm in a hurry. 153 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:36,303 Great. You know what? I don't even care what you think. 154 00:06:36,303 --> 00:06:39,428 But, here, this is my sister's number. 155 00:06:39,428 --> 00:06:41,595 She thinks you're gorgeous. Also, she killed someone today. 156 00:06:41,595 --> 00:06:43,720 -What? -Well, not really. It's a joke. 157 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,929 -That's a joke? -Kind of. 158 00:06:45,929 --> 00:06:49,095 Ask her about it. Her name's Abby. 159 00:06:49,095 --> 00:06:51,095 -Okay. -Okay? 160 00:06:51,095 --> 00:06:52,595 Okay. 161 00:06:58,929 --> 00:07:00,595 Do you think that I'm mean? 162 00:07:00,595 --> 00:07:02,720 -Sometimes, yeah. -Oh, my God. You know what? 163 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,553 I don't even care, okay? I just--don't-- 164 00:07:04,553 --> 00:07:06,970 please, don't kill yourself. 165 00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:09,970 Okay, see, that's mean. 166 00:07:09,970 --> 00:07:11,303 [laughter] 167 00:07:11,303 --> 00:07:12,804 [woman] Okay, four words. 168 00:07:12,804 --> 00:07:14,387 Four words. Fourth word... 169 00:07:14,387 --> 00:07:15,679 Sounds like... 170 00:07:15,679 --> 00:07:18,178 [overlapped chatter] 171 00:07:18,178 --> 00:07:19,762 Seven Years in Tibet! 172 00:07:19,762 --> 00:07:22,679 [all shouting] 173 00:07:22,679 --> 00:07:26,095 You totally cheated! 174 00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:28,011 You cheated! You cheated! 175 00:07:28,011 --> 00:07:29,470 "Tit, butt." 176 00:07:29,470 --> 00:07:32,178 Then she died. And I just got to say... 177 00:07:32,178 --> 00:07:34,553 Stop. Wait, what? 178 00:07:34,553 --> 00:07:38,095 I'm just saying that my therapist died in session, 179 00:07:38,095 --> 00:07:39,553 -and then-- -[laughs] 180 00:07:41,095 --> 00:07:43,136 I just had a major breakthrough. 181 00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:44,387 Well, then that's good, at least. 182 00:07:44,387 --> 00:07:46,512 -Thank you. -Yeah, yeah. 183 00:07:46,512 --> 00:07:51,345 Was your breakthrough realizing that your problems were so big 184 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:53,553 that your therapist preferred death 185 00:07:53,553 --> 00:07:55,679 over listening to your problems for one more minute? 186 00:07:55,679 --> 00:07:57,970 Okay, you know what? Fuck you, Chandler. 187 00:07:57,970 --> 00:07:59,887 -You know what? -[oven dings] 188 00:07:59,887 --> 00:08:02,178 That's my brie! 189 00:08:02,178 --> 00:08:04,053 It's our turn. It's our turn. Abby, go. 190 00:08:04,053 --> 00:08:05,303 You're up. You're up. You're up. 191 00:08:05,303 --> 00:08:06,553 Let's go. 192 00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:08,470 [overlapped chatter] 193 00:08:08,470 --> 00:08:10,178 [Campbell] No cheating. No cheating. 194 00:08:10,178 --> 00:08:12,845 I don't cheat, bitch. Your team does. 195 00:08:12,845 --> 00:08:14,178 Okay... 196 00:08:14,178 --> 00:08:16,804 [indistinct chattering] 197 00:08:16,804 --> 00:08:18,679 Oh! Oh! I killed my therapist! 198 00:08:18,679 --> 00:08:20,345 Fuck you. 199 00:08:20,345 --> 00:08:22,637 Oh, come on, man. Fuck you, dude. 200 00:08:22,637 --> 00:08:23,845 [cell phone rings] 201 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,053 Don't answer it. I don't recognize the number. 202 00:08:28,053 --> 00:08:29,720 That's okay. 203 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,762 -[ringing] -That was so mean, even for you. 204 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:33,512 [Campbell] Oh, please. 205 00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:34,929 -Are you fucking kidding me? -I'm sorry. 206 00:08:34,929 --> 00:08:36,553 You idiot. 207 00:08:36,553 --> 00:08:39,303 -Come on. Jesus Christ. -Georgia. 208 00:08:39,303 --> 00:08:41,178 Hello? 209 00:08:41,178 --> 00:08:43,553 Hey, is this Abby? 210 00:08:43,553 --> 00:08:45,887 Yeah, this is Abby. 211 00:08:45,887 --> 00:08:47,553 Hi, this is Chris. 212 00:08:47,553 --> 00:08:49,220 The waiter from Daisies. 213 00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:51,595 Wait, the wait... 214 00:08:51,595 --> 00:08:53,804 [Chris] Daisies. Uh, the restaurant. 215 00:08:53,804 --> 00:08:56,345 You and your sister, the soccer player, came in today. 216 00:08:56,345 --> 00:08:58,679 Oh, right. 217 00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:01,428 Uh, she gave me your number. 218 00:09:01,428 --> 00:09:04,887 Alison is such a fucking bitch. 219 00:09:04,887 --> 00:09:06,720 [laughter] 220 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,387 She's just finding that out now? 221 00:09:08,387 --> 00:09:10,303 [Alison] Hey, are you-- are you still there? 222 00:09:10,303 --> 00:09:11,387 Yeah. 223 00:09:11,387 --> 00:09:12,428 [Alison stammers] 224 00:09:12,428 --> 00:09:14,762 Okay, this is so embarrassing. 225 00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:17,512 I, uh-- I didn't know that she gave you my number. 226 00:09:17,512 --> 00:09:18,929 Wait a minute. Did we mess up the tip? 227 00:09:18,929 --> 00:09:20,095 Did we fuck you over on the tip? 228 00:09:20,095 --> 00:09:21,679 Oh, God, no. 229 00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:23,762 No, actually, you are a very generous tipper. 230 00:09:23,762 --> 00:09:26,970 I mean, I worked in the service industry, so, you know... 231 00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:28,345 I-I don't know. 232 00:09:28,345 --> 00:09:30,595 I thought you were funny and kind of interesting, 233 00:09:30,595 --> 00:09:32,595 and your sister told me you killed someone, 234 00:09:32,595 --> 00:09:34,470 and I guess that piqued my curiosity. 235 00:09:34,470 --> 00:09:37,136 Okay, you know I didn't really kill her, right? 236 00:09:37,136 --> 00:09:38,428 Oh, I figured. 237 00:09:38,428 --> 00:09:40,053 [chuckles] Okay. 238 00:09:43,303 --> 00:09:44,595 Wait, are you still there? 239 00:09:47,095 --> 00:09:48,762 Can I buy you a drink sometime? 240 00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:49,929 Really? 241 00:09:52,762 --> 00:09:54,970 Yeah, actually, I'd love it. 242 00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,553 I haven't been out for a drink with an attractive woman 243 00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,637 in a really long time, so... 244 00:10:01,387 --> 00:10:05,011 Actually, I'm a trans man. 245 00:10:05,011 --> 00:10:09,387 Well, I haven't been out with an attractive trans man in ever. 246 00:10:09,387 --> 00:10:11,095 So... 247 00:10:11,095 --> 00:10:14,303 Okay, I'm so sorry to be rude, but I actually 248 00:10:14,303 --> 00:10:16,679 -really have to go. -Yeah, no. No problem. 249 00:10:16,679 --> 00:10:19,136 Okay, okay. Okay, bye. All right, bye. 250 00:10:21,970 --> 00:10:24,804 ♪ Abby's got a date ♪ 251 00:10:24,804 --> 00:10:27,595 -Campbell... -♪ Abby's got a date ♪ 252 00:10:27,595 --> 00:10:29,470 -That's great. -[Abby] Thank you. Thanks. 253 00:10:29,470 --> 00:10:30,804 When are you going to see her? 254 00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:33,512 Actually, well, she's a guy. 255 00:10:33,512 --> 00:10:34,804 He's a guy. 256 00:10:34,804 --> 00:10:36,845 -[woman] What? -He's trans. 257 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,345 -He's a man. -Who's a man? 258 00:10:39,345 --> 00:10:41,261 Abby's new girlfriend. 259 00:10:41,261 --> 00:10:42,637 Right? 260 00:10:42,637 --> 00:10:43,679 Yeah. 261 00:10:51,887 --> 00:10:54,261 I hope this is going to be okay. 262 00:10:54,261 --> 00:10:56,512 You mean the restaurant? 263 00:10:56,512 --> 00:10:58,428 Yeah. I mean, like, when you go out, 264 00:10:58,428 --> 00:11:01,387 do you always, you know, feel like you're at work? 265 00:11:01,387 --> 00:11:02,804 No, no, no. This is great. 266 00:11:02,804 --> 00:11:04,595 This is pretty different from my restaurant, so... 267 00:11:04,595 --> 00:11:05,929 It is, yeah. 268 00:11:05,929 --> 00:11:07,345 I actually come here a bunch and... 269 00:11:07,345 --> 00:11:09,095 Oh, cool. 270 00:11:09,095 --> 00:11:10,470 So... 271 00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:13,428 where are you from? 272 00:11:13,428 --> 00:11:15,512 Move around a lot, 273 00:11:15,512 --> 00:11:18,720 but I moved here from San Francisco, actually. 274 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,720 -San Francisco. -Yeah. It's really pretty. 275 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,345 I went there one time when I was in high school. 276 00:11:22,345 --> 00:11:24,303 It was, like, for a trip. 277 00:11:24,303 --> 00:11:25,512 -Yeah. -Yeah. 278 00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:28,929 Okay. 279 00:11:28,929 --> 00:11:30,553 What? 280 00:11:30,553 --> 00:11:32,887 I think that's Julia Sweeney. 281 00:11:32,887 --> 00:11:35,136 -[Chris] Who? -[Abby] Don't look. 282 00:11:35,136 --> 00:11:37,804 But I really think that's Julia Sweeney. 283 00:11:39,428 --> 00:11:41,095 Who is Julia Sweeney? 284 00:11:41,095 --> 00:11:44,261 Uh, Julia Sweeney from Saturday Night Live. 285 00:11:44,261 --> 00:11:45,845 She played Pat. 286 00:11:45,845 --> 00:11:47,553 [groans] 287 00:11:47,553 --> 00:11:50,470 I don't know what you're saying. 288 00:11:50,470 --> 00:11:53,887 She's over there. Like, she's so smug, drinking wine. 289 00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:56,387 Probably thinking of her next thing that she's going to write 290 00:11:56,387 --> 00:11:57,970 for This American Life. 291 00:11:57,970 --> 00:11:59,929 I don't know what you're talking about. 292 00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:01,804 Yeah. You watch Saturday Night Live, though. 293 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,095 You've seen-- you watch it, right? 294 00:12:03,095 --> 00:12:05,095 I mean, yeah, but sometimes. 295 00:12:05,095 --> 00:12:06,220 Well, she played... 296 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,428 How old are you? 297 00:12:09,428 --> 00:12:11,095 -22. -You're 22? 298 00:12:11,095 --> 00:12:12,762 Yeah. 299 00:12:12,762 --> 00:12:14,095 [laughs] 300 00:12:14,095 --> 00:12:16,136 -How old are you? -45. 301 00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,136 Huh. 302 00:12:18,136 --> 00:12:19,261 Huh? That's... 303 00:12:19,261 --> 00:12:21,512 [laughs] 304 00:12:21,512 --> 00:12:23,637 Okay, I gotta say one thing. 305 00:12:23,637 --> 00:12:27,261 Um, that woman over there ruined my life. 306 00:12:27,261 --> 00:12:29,011 Let's start with cocktails, I think. 307 00:12:29,011 --> 00:12:32,428 I think we should start with cocktails. 308 00:12:32,428 --> 00:12:34,553 You should go talk to her. 309 00:12:34,553 --> 00:12:36,720 I'm not going to go talk to her. 310 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,762 Yeah, you should go tell her that she ruined your life. 311 00:12:38,762 --> 00:12:41,011 -Get it over with and be done. -How do you see that going? 312 00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:43,887 Like, "Hi, Miss Sweeney. My name is Abby. 313 00:12:43,887 --> 00:12:45,970 Uh, your character Pat that you played, 314 00:12:45,970 --> 00:12:49,011 who nobody could tell was a man or a woman, ruined my life. 315 00:12:49,011 --> 00:12:50,303 Have a good night." 316 00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:51,970 -Wait. What? -Yeah. 317 00:12:51,970 --> 00:12:53,887 That was the only joke of the whole premise, 318 00:12:53,887 --> 00:12:56,136 was, is that a man or a woman? 319 00:12:56,136 --> 00:12:57,637 -Fuck that. -Yeah. 320 00:12:57,637 --> 00:12:59,178 And for, like, years after, 321 00:12:59,178 --> 00:13:02,512 people would always say that I looked like Pat. 322 00:13:02,512 --> 00:13:04,136 Did you? 323 00:13:04,136 --> 00:13:06,387 To be fair, maybe. 324 00:13:06,387 --> 00:13:08,929 I mean, I wore a lot of overalls and, you know... 325 00:13:08,929 --> 00:13:10,553 What do you think she's doing here? 326 00:13:10,553 --> 00:13:13,303 She actually lives up in the North Shore. 327 00:13:13,303 --> 00:13:14,804 -Oof. -I know. 328 00:13:14,804 --> 00:13:17,261 I think I'm going to go talk to her. 329 00:13:17,261 --> 00:13:19,637 I think that's a really bad idea. 330 00:13:19,637 --> 00:13:21,887 I want to tell you, I really hate conflict. 331 00:13:21,887 --> 00:13:24,637 I got to tell you, I really love conflict. 332 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,553 [laughs] Oh, Jesus. 333 00:13:26,553 --> 00:13:28,136 You should please let me do this for you. 334 00:13:29,637 --> 00:13:32,345 -Yes. Yes. Okay. -Thank you. 335 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,929 I'll be right back. 336 00:13:36,845 --> 00:13:38,011 [cell phone chimes] 337 00:13:48,345 --> 00:13:49,845 [inaudible] 338 00:14:02,011 --> 00:14:03,512 [Julia] Abby? 339 00:14:03,512 --> 00:14:06,178 Hi, Abby. I'm Julia. 340 00:14:13,095 --> 00:14:14,345 Oh. 341 00:14:14,345 --> 00:14:15,387 Um... 342 00:14:16,595 --> 00:14:18,679 ♪ punk rock music plays ♪ 343 00:14:22,553 --> 00:14:25,845 [boys] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! 344 00:14:27,887 --> 00:14:29,720 Are you sure that's the right address? 345 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,887 Yeah. Her roommates are throwing the party. 346 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,303 You're going to go in there? 347 00:14:36,303 --> 00:14:39,512 [Abby] I know. She's so cute. 348 00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,553 -All right, you're coming with? -No. No way. 349 00:14:41,553 --> 00:14:43,470 I told you I'd walk you to the party, that's it. 350 00:14:44,804 --> 00:14:46,053 [scoffs] 351 00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,220 Come... 352 00:14:54,136 --> 00:14:55,804 Hey! Are you sure you're at the right party? 353 00:14:55,804 --> 00:14:58,303 I think so. I'm looking for Alexis. 354 00:14:58,303 --> 00:14:59,637 Oh. 355 00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:01,929 Duh, okay. I get it. 356 00:15:01,929 --> 00:15:03,720 [giggling] 357 00:15:06,345 --> 00:15:07,387 Like... 358 00:15:11,637 --> 00:15:13,303 [chuckling] 359 00:15:13,303 --> 00:15:14,595 Pat's here. 360 00:15:20,428 --> 00:15:21,845 What did you just say? 361 00:15:21,845 --> 00:15:23,261 Nothing. 362 00:15:23,261 --> 00:15:24,637 Okay, that's not exactly true, okay? 363 00:15:24,637 --> 00:15:26,095 Just tell me what you said. 364 00:15:26,095 --> 00:15:28,011 Chill out, dude, I didn't say anything. 365 00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,970 -"Dude"? -Yeah. 366 00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:32,011 Okay, let me help you out for one second, okay? 367 00:15:32,011 --> 00:15:34,303 You called me Pat. I walked in, you saw me, 368 00:15:34,303 --> 00:15:36,553 you turned to that jackass and you said, "Hey, Pat's here." 369 00:15:36,553 --> 00:15:38,053 -Right? -What's going on? 370 00:15:38,053 --> 00:15:39,720 Oh, hey. Nothing. Hey. 371 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,845 Hey. Abby, this is Charlotte, my roommate. 372 00:15:41,845 --> 00:15:43,970 Hi. I've heard so much about you. 373 00:15:43,970 --> 00:15:46,679 -You too. Thank you. -What's going on, Chad? 374 00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:48,470 Nothing. 375 00:15:48,470 --> 00:15:49,929 Really, what's going on? 376 00:15:49,929 --> 00:15:51,470 It's really no big deal, okay? 377 00:15:51,470 --> 00:15:52,970 It doesn't sound like nothing. 378 00:15:54,512 --> 00:15:55,970 He called me Pat. 379 00:15:55,970 --> 00:15:57,637 I really just-- I just want to forget it. 380 00:15:57,637 --> 00:15:59,011 -I didn't do anything. -Seriously? 381 00:15:59,011 --> 00:16:00,804 -No, I didn't. -Are you serious? 382 00:16:00,804 --> 00:16:02,345 Let's go put your bag in my room. 383 00:16:02,345 --> 00:16:03,720 Yeah. 384 00:16:05,220 --> 00:16:06,303 Ugh! 385 00:16:07,428 --> 00:16:08,762 This is why. 386 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,095 This is why! 387 00:16:12,095 --> 00:16:13,970 Okay, I really-- 388 00:16:13,970 --> 00:16:15,887 I really didn't mean to cause a scene. 389 00:16:15,887 --> 00:16:17,261 It's-- What scene? 390 00:16:17,261 --> 00:16:18,512 -Okay. -Thank you for coming. 391 00:16:18,512 --> 00:16:20,428 Thanks for inviting me. 392 00:16:20,428 --> 00:16:22,261 Your roommate seems really, really nice. 393 00:16:22,261 --> 00:16:24,053 -She's the best. -[Charlotte] Fuck you, Chad. 394 00:16:24,053 --> 00:16:26,929 You always get drunk and you ruin everything fun. 395 00:16:26,929 --> 00:16:28,345 [Alexis] Give me your bag. 396 00:16:28,345 --> 00:16:30,303 Okay. 397 00:16:30,303 --> 00:16:31,679 Thank you. 398 00:16:31,679 --> 00:16:33,178 [Chad] Charlotte, you're being crazy! 399 00:16:33,178 --> 00:16:34,512 Oh, my God. 400 00:16:34,512 --> 00:16:36,011 [Charlotte] Oh, excuse me! 401 00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:37,345 -Are these your parents? -[argument continues] 402 00:16:37,345 --> 00:16:39,261 Yes, that's my parents. 403 00:16:39,261 --> 00:16:40,845 And then that's my little brother, 404 00:16:40,845 --> 00:16:42,845 and my cousin, who also lives with us, 405 00:16:42,845 --> 00:16:45,053 -because their... -[Charlotte] Bye! 406 00:16:45,053 --> 00:16:46,387 -I just feel-- I-- -Her parents died. 407 00:16:46,387 --> 00:16:49,095 -[Charlotte] Get out! -Whose parents died? 408 00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:51,345 -[Chad] Fuck you, Charlotte! -My cousin. 409 00:16:51,345 --> 00:16:52,804 Fuck you, Pat! 410 00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,095 I'm sorry. 411 00:16:54,095 --> 00:16:56,303 I am having a really hard time concentrating. 412 00:16:56,303 --> 00:16:57,887 That's okay. 413 00:16:57,887 --> 00:16:59,553 [Charlotte] Get the fuck out of my house! 414 00:16:59,553 --> 00:17:02,220 I shouldn't have come tonight. 415 00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:07,428 I feel like I started something really big. 416 00:17:07,428 --> 00:17:08,970 Maybe you did. 417 00:17:08,970 --> 00:17:10,345 I did? 418 00:17:10,345 --> 00:17:12,387 [laughs] 419 00:17:12,387 --> 00:17:14,387 Maybe you did. 420 00:17:14,387 --> 00:17:16,637 [laughing] 421 00:17:21,053 --> 00:17:23,220 [screams] 422 00:17:24,553 --> 00:17:25,929 It's fine. 423 00:17:25,929 --> 00:17:27,220 It's not fine. 424 00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:28,553 This is my nightmare. 425 00:17:28,553 --> 00:17:30,553 No. No. You're going to be okay. 426 00:17:30,553 --> 00:17:32,637 I'm an auxiliary EMT. 427 00:17:41,178 --> 00:17:43,553 Do you think maybe you should have some water? 428 00:17:43,553 --> 00:17:45,595 -No. I have Miller Lite. -Oh. 429 00:17:45,595 --> 00:17:47,261 It's mostly water. 430 00:17:47,261 --> 00:17:49,011 [laughs] Yeah. 431 00:17:49,011 --> 00:17:52,428 Well, again, I'm so sorry. 432 00:17:52,428 --> 00:17:55,011 You know, you don't have to be sorry. We're good. 433 00:17:55,011 --> 00:17:57,470 -No, I do feel terrible. -I just-- 434 00:17:57,470 --> 00:18:00,929 it's so weird to meet you in real life and be with you. 435 00:18:02,512 --> 00:18:04,762 Your character, like, Pat, 436 00:18:04,762 --> 00:18:06,512 was just part of my life for so long 437 00:18:06,512 --> 00:18:08,762 in a pretty bad way, so it's just-- 438 00:18:08,762 --> 00:18:10,929 -Oh, God. -Look... 439 00:18:10,929 --> 00:18:12,845 -People suck, right? -Yeah. 440 00:18:12,845 --> 00:18:15,220 They do. I'm so sorry. 441 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:17,053 -I'm fine with it. -I'm not fine with it. 442 00:18:17,053 --> 00:18:18,637 I feel terrible. 443 00:18:18,637 --> 00:18:19,804 -I didn't mean it to be mean. -I know. 444 00:18:19,804 --> 00:18:21,762 I think I was really naive. 445 00:18:21,762 --> 00:18:24,720 I think it was-- but now I'm like, ugh. 446 00:18:26,261 --> 00:18:27,720 Don't you mean... 447 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,053 [groans] 448 00:18:30,053 --> 00:18:32,011 I think you mean... [groans] 449 00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:33,720 [laughs] Oh, man! 450 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:35,845 Oh, no. 451 00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:37,637 -[whimpers] -Oh, no. 452 00:18:37,637 --> 00:18:39,011 It's more... 453 00:18:39,011 --> 00:18:41,095 [coughs and hacks] 454 00:18:42,428 --> 00:18:44,053 [laughs] Oh, God, that's so bad. 455 00:18:44,053 --> 00:18:45,428 That's horrible. 456 00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:47,637 [groaning] 457 00:18:47,637 --> 00:18:48,929 Oh, God. 458 00:18:48,929 --> 00:18:50,553 That's what it is. 459 00:18:50,553 --> 00:18:51,804 [laughs] 460 00:18:51,804 --> 00:18:53,387 [Julia] So I gave you my number. 461 00:18:53,387 --> 00:18:55,637 I would really love to make you dinner. 462 00:18:55,637 --> 00:18:58,011 I really, really--I mean it. 463 00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:00,512 I can't even believe it. I will definitely... 464 00:19:00,512 --> 00:19:02,387 maybe we, I don't know. 465 00:19:02,387 --> 00:19:04,929 Well, I just want to say that good luck to you. 466 00:19:04,929 --> 00:19:07,845 I have a very, very good feeling about the two of you. 467 00:19:07,845 --> 00:19:09,220 -Oh, okay-- -I don't want to jinx it. 468 00:19:09,220 --> 00:19:11,053 -Okay. -But I do. 469 00:19:11,053 --> 00:19:13,095 I have a very, very good feeling about it. 470 00:19:13,095 --> 00:19:14,929 Don't jinx it, Sweeney. 471 00:19:14,929 --> 00:19:16,762 Well, I--yeah. That's-- 472 00:19:16,762 --> 00:19:19,053 it was good to meet you, though. 473 00:19:19,053 --> 00:19:20,679 So can I offer you a ride? 474 00:19:20,679 --> 00:19:22,178 -Oh. -No. 475 00:19:22,178 --> 00:19:24,011 I think we're going to walk. 476 00:19:24,011 --> 00:19:26,136 -Oh, okay. -We're going to walk. 477 00:19:26,136 --> 00:19:28,220 Well, that's good, because I actually don't have a car. 478 00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:30,595 -[laughs] Oh! -But my Lyft is here. 479 00:19:30,595 --> 00:19:32,679 -Okay, all right. -[Abby] Okay, it was so nice. 480 00:19:32,679 --> 00:19:34,637 -Bye-bye. -Bye! 481 00:19:34,637 --> 00:19:36,178 [mouthing] 482 00:19:36,178 --> 00:19:37,512 She was so nice. 483 00:19:37,512 --> 00:19:38,720 [chuckles] I know. 484 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,136 I feel a little guilty 485 00:19:40,136 --> 00:19:42,387 that I despised her for 25 years. 486 00:19:42,387 --> 00:19:44,345 That is longer than I have been alive. 487 00:19:44,345 --> 00:19:45,762 All right. 488 00:19:45,762 --> 00:19:47,345 -[snickers] -That's just rude. 489 00:19:47,345 --> 00:19:50,345 Thanks for walking me home. It's really far. 490 00:19:50,345 --> 00:19:51,845 I appreciate it. 491 00:19:51,845 --> 00:19:54,345 No, it is my honor to take you home. 492 00:19:54,345 --> 00:19:56,053 Well, thank you, sir. 493 00:19:56,053 --> 00:19:57,887 [both laugh] 494 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,220 [laughs] Oh. 495 00:20:01,220 --> 00:20:03,136 This is actually me, so... 496 00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:04,512 I had a really great time tonight. 497 00:20:04,512 --> 00:20:07,261 I had so much fun. Thanks. 498 00:20:07,261 --> 00:20:09,720 Could I come up to use the bathroom? 499 00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:14,553 Yeah. 500 00:20:14,553 --> 00:20:16,261 I'm going to need five minutes. 501 00:20:16,261 --> 00:20:17,970 -You don't have-- -I'm gonna buzz you up. 502 00:20:17,970 --> 00:20:19,345 -I'll buzz you up. -Oh, okay. 503 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:21,804 [door closes] 504 00:20:27,804 --> 00:20:28,720 [quietly] Fuck! 505 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,220 Oh, mother... 506 00:20:42,970 --> 00:20:44,512 Julia fucking Sweeney. 507 00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,804 [door buzzes] 508 00:20:47,804 --> 00:20:49,178 -Hi. -Hi. 509 00:20:49,178 --> 00:20:50,595 Hi. 510 00:20:52,261 --> 00:20:54,220 So the bathroom is right there on your left. 511 00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:55,929 You know, I... 512 00:20:55,929 --> 00:20:58,595 I actually don't need to use the bathroom anymore. 513 00:20:58,595 --> 00:21:00,095 Oh, okay. 514 00:21:01,345 --> 00:21:03,095 Let me get you water or a beer. 515 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,762 I have tequila. I prefer vodka. 516 00:21:07,303 --> 00:21:10,804 That couch, actually, was my dead mother's. 517 00:21:10,804 --> 00:21:12,637 And then there's a picture up there 518 00:21:12,637 --> 00:21:14,470 that I think you'll really like. 519 00:21:14,470 --> 00:21:17,220 It was when I went to Washington before hell started. 520 00:21:17,220 --> 00:21:19,553 And then over here I had water... 521 00:21:19,553 --> 00:21:21,720 I've lived here for a long time. 522 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,887 And I wonder--I'm sure I've met a lot of people in the Mafia. 523 00:21:24,887 --> 00:21:26,428 You're not supposed to say that out loud, 524 00:21:26,428 --> 00:21:27,804 but I just did. 525 00:21:27,804 --> 00:21:29,428 Don't tell anybody. 526 00:21:42,970 --> 00:21:44,470 You taste like almonds. 527 00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:45,512 Yeah. 528 00:21:47,178 --> 00:21:48,929 Did you just eat one of those almonds? 529 00:21:51,387 --> 00:21:53,679 -Yeah. Is that a problem? -No, um... 530 00:21:54,970 --> 00:21:56,261 It's only that every almond 531 00:21:56,261 --> 00:21:58,136 is a day of my life, so... 532 00:21:59,637 --> 00:22:01,470 you just ate a day of my life. 533 00:22:03,387 --> 00:22:05,679 You're gonna have to explain that to me. 534 00:22:06,804 --> 00:22:08,595 [sighs] 535 00:22:08,595 --> 00:22:10,720 I really-- I don't think I can. 536 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,136 So... 537 00:22:20,178 --> 00:22:21,345 Try me. 538 00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:27,970 Okay. 539 00:22:29,053 --> 00:22:31,387 There is a bitch at work, 540 00:22:31,387 --> 00:22:33,595 and she knows I struggle with my weight. 541 00:22:33,595 --> 00:22:36,261 And she went to Costco and came to work 542 00:22:36,261 --> 00:22:38,011 with this big fucking jug of almonds. 543 00:22:38,011 --> 00:22:39,887 And there was no subtext, right? 544 00:22:39,887 --> 00:22:42,387 So I was like, "You know what? I'm going to give myself..." 545 00:22:42,387 --> 00:22:46,970 ["Song for Zula" by Phosphorescent plays]